Do you remember the olden days when people had blogs just for twenty or so readers in which they shared their true feelings?
That time when there were no algorithms and all-knowing, all-seeing social media platforms on which we tried to be ourselves but also build businesses?
These last few weeks I’ve been really missing that time. I let go of using my smartphone last summer and deleted my instagram account for good at the end of the year. I was hoping to give myself more headspace for the things that matter to me – creativity, presence in relationships, that kind of thing. But then an accident on new year’s eve changed things and rather than venturing into new creative work I just focussed on getting by.
I was home alone when I slipped on black ice and ended up in hospital for ten days with spiral breaks in my tibia and fibia on the left side. It’s been painful, truly painful and I am being told that I’ll probably never fully recover. For the first three month I wasn’t walking unassisted by crutches at all and I’m still in a strange process of getting used to all the hardware in my body (18 pins and three plates!). This week I’ve been told that I’ll need surgery again asap because one of the pins is pushing my bones apart, potentially causing arthritis. I’m waiting for a letter with the date of my next surgery and I am trying to comfort myself with the fact that at least this time I can prepare. I’ll pack my own hospital bag, have ready meals ready, make sure that I return to fresh sheets and that my dogs are well looked after.
Without bypassing the grief and frustration of all this I am able to see that I’m learning some good stuff about patience and my own ability to recover. I’m going deeper into the pandemic lessons that were already there and the result is mainly a liberating letting go of things that aren’t all that important. I just don’t have time or energy for anything that isn’t really close to my heart anymore.
I started this website as a personal blog about six years ago and it has truly seen so many different evolutions since. The Daydreaming Wolves podcast has more than a hundred episodes now, I taught an Embodied Ritual class for two years, build a Patreon, made handmade prints, facilitated programs about breathwork, grief & creative writing, read tarot and talked about my experience of the world.
It helped and I loved it, all of it. Right now I am feeling like the most beautiful, sensual and slow thing is to go back to the start and just write about what I’m seeing. I want to take pictures using my actual camera without thinking about what they look like as a square on instagram. I want to stay up late to write waffly posts fully of typos about gender and relationships and good food and about how much I love this planet, like in the old days.
I’m seeing a lot of plants and landscapes and little rituals in my creative future. Through the depth of this most isolated winter I’ve ever seen I got so much joy and hope from growing things from seed. I really want to share the lessons I am learning in my garden and I’m excited to be a beginner again.
I’m so committed to this space and see it as it’s own spirit, one that has been such an exciting creative companion over the years. Our relationship is always changing, but it has a very enduring and committed quality to it.